Us: How Moving Relationships Beyond You and Me Creates More Love, Passion, and U

Description: Us by Terry Real, Bruce Springsteen Stop working on yourself as an individual and start working on your relationship as a couple, with the help of therenowned family therapist andbestselling author of The New Rules of Marriage"A beautiful and important book, particularly for the moment we are in."-BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN, from the forewordAt a time when toxic individualism is rending our society at every level, bestselling author and renowned marriage counselor Terrence Real sees how it poisons our most intimate relationships in his therapy practice where he works with couples on the brink of disaster. The good news- warmer, closer, more passionate relationships are possible if you have the right tools.Recent neurobiology shows that the mind exists in a social context, and couples co-regulate one anothers nervous systems. But its hard to get that delicate dance right if you, like so many people, grew up without adequate emotional support. The techniques you developed to survive a dysfunctional family as a kid-the very skills that probably bring you success in your career-will torch your personal relationships.Us is a groundbreaking guide to a new science-backed skillset-one that will allow you to get past your kneejerk reactions and tap into your wiser, more collaborative self. With a novelists flair, Real shares the stories of real couples whose relationships have been saved by these skills and pans out to the cultural landscape that reinforce our dysfunction. If you and your partner are backed into separate corners of "you" and "me," this book will show the way back to "us." With Us, your real relationship can begin. FORMAT Hardcover LANGUAGE English CONDITION Brand New Author Biography Terrence Real is an internationally recognized family therapist, speaker, and author. He founded the Relational Life Institute, offering workshops for couples, individuals, and parents along with a professional training program for clinicians to learn his Relational Life Therapy methodology. He is the bestselling author of I Dont Want to Talk About It, How Can I Get Through to You?, and The New Rules of Marriage. Review "A beautiful and important book, particularly for the moment we are in."—Bruce Springsteen, from the foreword "Its cliche to say Dr. Terry Reals new book, Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship, changed the way I view every relationship in my life. But its true."—Katie Couric Media"[An] enveloping and insightful book . . . Real is a natural storyteller, pointed, jovial, and funny. If youre struggling in your relationship and are open to hard truths, delivered with compassion and zero wasted time, Real is the ticket."—Esquire (Best Wellness Books)"When I need advice, I call Terry Real. His decades of clinical experience, research, and wisdom are invaluable to my patients, colleagues, and friends. Us brings his advice to life. It is the book that we all need to read to create more thriving and intimate connections."—Esther Perel, New York Times bestselling author and podcast host of Where Should We Begin "Terry Real is a wise, honest, and charming guide. This book is a road map for all of us who seek true intimacy. Reals approach teaches us how to step outside of the culture of individualism and embrace our interconnectedness. We can use it to heal a single relationship and to shift our collective culture."—Gwyneth Paltrow, founder and CEO of goop"Terry Reals work is nothing short of miraculous. In Us, he delves into the dynamics of modern relationships with precision and wisdom, offering practical tools to create true closeness with others. His work has quite simply changed my life. Read this book. It could well changes yours."—Bradley Cooper"This is a stunning book. With page-turning flair and brilliant insights, Terry Real exposes the hyper-individualism that ruins relationships—and shows us many effective ways to move from me to we. A masterpiece from a master psychotherapist."—Rick Hanson, Ph.D, New York Times bestselling author of Resilient"Love has the power to hurt but it also has the power to heal, and Terry Real shows us how in this revolutionary guide to happy, thriving couplehood. Chock-full of wisdom, research, and innovative teachings, Us is the book every human should read in order to truly understand not just their partners, but themselves."—Lori Gottlieb, New York Times bestselling author of Maybe You Should Talk to Someone"This is a wonderful, wise, and witty book, consistent with cutting edge science and filled with soul and practical advice that can inspire us to discover who we can become together."—Daniel J. Siegel, MD, New York Times bestselling author, Brainstorm and IntraConnected"Share this book with your partner and then talk about what it brings up. It may be one of the most painful but also important conversations of your life."—Richard Schwartz, PhD, developer of the Internal Family Systems model of psychotherapy"Original and stirring . . . [Reals] approachable take on healing relationships will enlighten."—Publishers Weekly Review Quote "When I need advice, I call Terry Real. His decades of clinical experience, research and wisdom are invaluable to my patients, colleagues and friends. Us brings his advice to life. It is the book that we all need to read to create more thriving and intimate connections." --Esther Perel, New York Times bestselling author and podcast host of Where Should We Begin "Terrys writing is loving and kind, clever and strong, and hes written a beautiful and important book, particularly for the moment we are in. It helps lead the way to a more powerful and noble society based on the tenets of love, justice, and respect." --from the Foreword by Bruce Springsteen "Terry Real is a wise, honest, and charming guide. This book is a roadmap for all of us who seek true intimacy. It is full of relationship tools that can help you transform or deepen the way you connect with and understand your partner. Reading Us will also help you better understand yourself, your trauma and triggers, the patterns you tend to follow, and how you want to show up in the most important relationships in your life. Reals approach teaches us how to step outside of the culture of individualism and embrace our interconnectedness. We can use it to heal a single relationship and to shift our collective culture." --Gwyneth Paltrow, founder and CEO of goop "Terrence Reals work is nothing short of miraculous. In his latest book, he delves with precision and wisdom into the dynamics of modern relationships--to yourself, your partner, and society. He offers practical tools to create and sustain healthy self-esteem and true closeness with others. His work has quite simply changed my life. Read this book. It could well change yours." --Bradley Cooper "This is really quite a stunning book. With page-turning flair and brilliant insights, Terry Real exposes the hyper-individualism that ruins relationships--and shows us many effective ways to move from "me" to "we." A masterpiece from a master psychotherapist." --Rick Hanson, Ph.D., New York Times bestselling author of Resilient: How to Grow an Unshakable Core of Calm, Strength, and Happiness "Love has the power to hurt us but it also has the power to heal us, and Terry Real shows us how in this revolutionary guide to happy, thriving couplehood. Chock full of wisdom, research, and innovative teachings from his decades of clinical work developing Relational Life Therapy, Us is the book every human should read in order to truly understand not just their partners, but themselves." --Lori Gottlieb, New York Times bestselling author of Maybe You Should Talk To Someone: A Therapist, Her Therapist, and Our Lives Revealed "Who are we, really? Terry Real powerfully offers a way to realize that we are both an internal Me and a relational We in this compelling guide to creating a liberated life of connection and meaning. This is a wonderful, wise, and witty book, consistent with cutting edge science and filled with soul and practical advicethat can inspire us to discover who we can become together." --Daniel J. Siegel, M.D. NYTimes bestselling author, Aware , Mind , Brainstorm , and IntraConnected, and Executive Director of Mindsight Institute "In his previous books, Terry Real awakened us to the fact that most men are not relational; theyre in their heads and out of their hearts. In Us , he not only elaborates on that thesis but, with the writing of a good novelist, brings his approach to transforming men and couples to life. This book will challenge you to examine how your trauma history and internalized individualism impact your relationships. Share it with your partner and then talk about what it brings up. It may be one of the most painful but also important conversations of your life." --Richard Schwartz, Ph.D. developer of the Internal Family Systems model of psychotherapy Excerpt from Book Remembering Love Before you pick up that verbal knife, before you brick yourself in even further, let me remind you that you love this person. And therein lies the rub, my friend. Do you remember, really, in that heated moment when fear or righteous anger courses through your veins, that you love this person? Do you remember it when your body shuts down and, for the life of you, you can barely squeak out a word or two? The sobering answer, if youre dead honest with yourself, is that you do not. In that heated moment, the sweetness between you, the sense of the two of you as a team facing the world together, the sense of us, is nearly impossible to locate. The good news is that the love is still there. The bad news is that its stored in parts of your brain, body, and nervous system that, in those flash moments, you no longer inhabit. Your endocrine system is on high alert, pumping stimulants into your bloodstream. Your autonomic nervous system--far below your consciousness--is in fight-or-flight, spurring you on or shutting you down. The higher functions of your brain (the prefrontal cortex, the reins) have gone completely offline, while the more primitive parts of your brain (the limbic system, particularly the amygdalae) have decisively taken over. At those times, the brain is in a state in which the prefrontal cortex is neither connected to nor soothing the subcortical system. Without that soothing and connection, we lose a pause between what we feel and what we do. These more primitive parts of our bodies and brains care only about our personal survival; they have no interest in maintaining the vulnerability of intimacy. Us evaporates and becomes you and me, adversaries in a cold world of I win, you lose. Us is the seat of closeness. You and me is the seat of adversarial contest. You and me is great when you are confronting a tiger, but less so when you are confronting your spouse, your boss, or your child. In those fraught moments, what makes it so hard to keep a cool head is a million or so years of evolution, plus one other powerful force: trauma. Trauma pulls you into survival mode, in which you are clenching your fists for the fight or clamping your jaws shut like a fortress. And the more trauma you sustained as a child, the more compelling you and me becomes. If you are thinking, Well, gosh, I didnt have much trauma growing up, my answer is maybe. Well talk about it later. But before you make up your mind, why not settle into my discussion of childhood trauma? Because sometimes it doesnt take much. Depending on your constitution and a host of other variables, it may take only a slight tap on the egg to produce fissures that can last a lifetime. Whats Your Trauma? When Im working with a couple, I have one important question in my mind. Its not What are the stressors? Stressors--like the pandemic, money woes, mismatched sex drives, kids, and in-laws--are all important, but a well-functioning couple can handle a reasonable amount of stress. The critical question I think about is not even What is the dynamic, the choreography, between you? Thats also an important question, but its not the most essential. The central question I ask myself during a therapy session is simply this one: Which part of you am I talking to? Am I talking to the mature part of you, the one whos present in the here and now? This is the part I call the Wise Adult. Thats the part that cares about us. Or am I speaking to a triggered part of you, to your adversarial you and me consciousness? The triggered part of you sees things through the prism of the past. I believe theres no such thing as overreacting; its just that what someone is reacting to may no longer be whats in front of them. One of the blessings that partners in intimate relationships bestow upon each other is the simple and healing gift of their presence. But in order to be present with your partner, you must yourself be in the present, not saturated by your past. The phrase trauma memory is really a misnomer. You dont remember trauma; you relive it. The combat vet who hears a car backfire and suddenly spins around like hes gripping a rifle is not thinking, Now Im walking down Main Street remembering combat. In that flash moment, the vet is viscerally back at war. The past superimposes itself onto the present, fundamentally confusing the mind. When our trauma is triggered, we might physically spring into fight-or-flight mode. Faced with an overwhelming shock--infidelity, for example--Ive seen patients gasp and head for the door before they came to in my hallway. But most of us do not reenact the experience of the trauma itself. Instead, we act out the coping strategy that we evolved to deal with it. You were emotionally abandoned throughout your childhood, and so youve grown into a charming seducer, expert at securing others attention. Or you were intruded upon as a child, and now you operate behind walls; you are adept at keeping people out. I speak of this compensating part of us as the Adaptive Child. One of my great mentors, Pia Mellody, spoke of the Adaptive Child as a "kid in grown-ups clothing." The Adaptive Child is a childs version of an adult, the you that you cobbled together in the absence of healthy parenting. Heres a chart detailing the traits of the Adaptive Child, as distinct from the Wise Adult. Adaptive Child Wise Adult Black & White Nuanced Perfectionistic Realistic Relentless Forgiving Rigid Flexible Harsh Warm Hard Yielding Certain Humble Tight in body Relaxed in body Id like you to notice a few things as you look at this chart. First of all, see how tight, certain, and black and white the Adaptive Child is? One of my clients said that her Adaptive Child was like a little fundamentalist who lived inside her. This is in contrast to the flexibility, humility, and appreciation of nuance that are characteristic of the Wise Adult--qualities you may also recognize, from the literature on adult development, as those associated with emotional maturity. Details ISBN0593233670 Short Title Us Pages 320 Series Goop Press Language English Year 2022 ISBN-10 0593233670 ISBN-13 9780593233672 Format Hardcover Imprint Rodale Books Subtitle How Moving Relationships Beyond You and Me Creates More Love, Passion, and Understanding Country of Publication United States Publisher Potter/Ten Speed/Harmony/Rodale Publication Date 2022-06-07 AU Release Date 2022-06-07 NZ Release Date 2022-06-07 US Release Date 2022-06-07 UK Release Date 2022-06-07 Author Bruce Springsteen Illustrator Gladys Jose Birth 1927 Affiliation Clark University Position journalist Qualifications MD DEWEY 306.7 Audience General We've got this At The Nile, if you're looking for it, we've got it. With fast shipping, low prices, friendly service and well over a million items - you're bound to find what you want, at a price you'll love! TheNile_Item_ID:135308488;

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