Stepcoupling: Creating and Sustaining a Strong Marriage in Today's Blended Famil

Description: Stepcoupling by Susan Wisdom, Jennifer Green Love may be sweeter the second time around, but once the bliss of a newfound relationship wears off a little, the reality of being part of a stepfamily sets in. If you are one of the millions of remarried Americans facing the challenge of blending two existing families into one cohesive whole, you are part of a stepcouple—and you know all too well how hard it can be to make your marriage work in sometimes tough terrain.Different parenting styles, finances, relationships with ex-spouses, legal matters, and even seemingly simple issues such as the kinds of chores assigned to children can chisel away at your union if you don't always make your marriage a priority.Stepcoupling offers advice for stepcouples on how to do just that—all the while strengthening their blended family with a healthy marriage. Susan Wisdom and Jennifer Green provide tips and strategies on dealing with the issues remarried couples face, with a wealth of advice from real-life stepcouples, such as:Learning to tailor your expectations of your spouse or children and remembering that no family is perfectKnowing where your boundaries are, whether involving a hostile ex-spouse or a stepchild who demands too much attentionRealizing that traits like flexibility, tolerance, forgiveness, and openness are especially essential in a stepfamily situationMaking "us" time for talking, problem-solving, weekends away, and enjoying your marriage to constantly renew and strengthen your bond as a coupleLet this invaluable remarriage manual help you make your stepcouple the foundation of a strong, happy, and successful stepfamily. FORMAT Paperback LANGUAGE English CONDITION Brand New Publisher Description Love may be sweeter the second time around, but once the bliss of a newfound relationship wears off a little, the reality of being part of a stepfamily sets in. If you are one of the millions of remarried Americans facing the challenge of blending two existing families into one cohesive whole, you are part of a stepcouple—and you know all too well how hard it can be to make your marriage work in sometimes tough terrain. Different parenting styles, finances, relationships with ex-spouses, legal matters, and even seemingly simple issues such as the kinds of chores assigned to children can chisel away at your union if you dont always make your marriage a priority. Stepcoupling offers advice for stepcouples on how to do just that—all the while strengthening their blended family with a healthy marriage. Susan Wisdom and Jennifer Green provide tips and strategies on dealing with the issues remarried couples face, with a wealth of advice from real-life stepcouples, such as:* Learning to tailor your expectations of your spouse or children and remembering that no family is perfect* Knowing where your boundaries are, whether involving a hostile ex-spouse or a stepchild who demands too much attention* Realizing that traits like flexibility, tolerance, forgiveness, and openness are especially essential in a stepfamily situation* Making "us" time for talking, problem-solving, weekends away, and enjoying your marriage to constantly renew and strengthen your bond as a coupleLet this invaluable remarriage manual help you make your stepcouple the foundation of a strong, happy, and successful stepfamily. Author Biography SUSAN WISDOM, LPC, is a therapist who specializes in counseling divorcing adults and stepfamilies. She lives in Portland, Oregon. JENNIFER GREEN is a freelance writer who lives in Salem, Oregon. Both authors have been part of successful stepcouples for the past twenty-five years. Table of Contents One. Congratulations! Youre Part of a Stepcouple Two. Tailoring Your Expectations of your Spouse and Family Three. Shaping and Knowing Your Own Boundaries Four. Rewriting Roles: A Feat of Family Acrobatics Five. Blending Your Sometimes Opposing Styles Six. Embracing Values: Your Own and Your Partners Seven. Empowering Everyone: The Key to Stepcoupling Success Eight. Looking Back: One Stepcouples Story Resources for StepcouplesOrganizationsWebsitesBibliographyIndex Excerpt from Book Congratulations! Youre Part of a Stepcouple Annie and Mike sitting in a tree K-I-S-S-I-N-G First comes love Then comes marriage Then comes Annie with a baby carriage. A stereotypical first marriage follows the rhyme. A wedding comes after romance, and babies arrive later. Lovers ease into family life, adding children over a period of years. Unfortunately, for every two weddings celebrated in a given year, a divorce becomes final. And within five years of divorcing, 89 percent of men and 79 percent of women walk down the aisle again. Second--or third or even fourth--marriages refute the rhyme. First come Mike and Annie pushing baby carriages. Love and a wedding follow, and the happy, harried couple sneaks k-i-s-s-i-n-g in when the kids arent looking. The scrambled verse describes stepcoupling. Adults get to know each other and build a healthy relationship while adjusting to, and combining, existing families. It happens all the time. In the mid-1990s, one in three Americans was a stepparent, a stepchild, a stepsibling, or some other member of a stepfamily. Some predict that by the year 2007, stepfamilies will outnumber nuclear families. Stepcouples face stresses that first couples dont: children (his, hers, and theirs), financial support of two or more households, custody and legal issues, and biological parents outside the home. Value conflicts and different parenting styles turn up the heat. Statistics tell the story best. Of every ten couples who remarry, buoyed by love and renewed hope, six divorce yet again. The eventual success of the new family hinges on the quality and strength of the stepcouples relationship. And the success of the stepcouple itself hinges on the willingness and ability of the partners to grapple with personal and family issues. Few understand at the outset how complex and demanding stepcoupling is. Mary, remarried seven years, describes the early years of her stepfamily: In the beginning, Bob and I and the four kids reeled from the effects of divorce. Looking back, the only reason we made it through the early part of our stepfamily was because we were such a strong couple. We had lots of problems. The kids fought all the time. My house was way too small for the six of us, and we couldnt afford a bigger one. A third of Bobs paycheck went to his ex-wife, so we barely made ends meet. Neither of us wanted another divorce. We had to learn how to talk to each other, love each other, and stay together even when things got tough. Especially when things got tough. -- (Mary, thirty-four, stepcoupling for seven years) Creating a stepfamily is like building a house. The stepcouple forms the foundation. If the relationship between partners is strong, the house makes it through the storms undamaged. If there are cracks in the foundation, the whole structure is in danger of collapsing. Each member of a stepcouple must find ways to strengthen that foundation on a daily basis. Each must commit to the importance of "us" by setting aside time: for making love, sharing stories, solving conflict, laughing at private jokes, and dreaming about the future. Weekends away and other special occasions are grand, but they are not substitutes for daily connection. These simple moments will renew and strengthen the love that first drew you together. A strong stepcouple also cultivates subtler habits that enhance their relationship. When something significant happens in my life, Toms the first person I tell. We talk on the phone at least once a day. Hes my best friend. -- (Charon, forty-two, stepcoupling for four years) I never leave the house without letting Nancy know where Im going and when Ill be back. Its a small thing, but my first wife and I never did it. -- (Scott, thirty-four, stepcoupling for two years) Larry gets irritated sometimes because I dont say "we" about things that involve the two of us. I try to remember to say "us" more . -- (Jane, forty-one, stepcoupling for one year) Why would a stepcouple need to be reminded to take care of their relationship? On an individual level, many adults who stepcouple dont know how to nurture relationships. Previous marriages may have atrophied from neglect. Depending on your childhood experiences, you may not even know relationships require and deserve care. The very stresses that are unique to stepcouples--tight budgets, parenting obligations and conflicts, and ex-spouses--distract you from paying attention to each other and your relationship. However, if you postpone caring for your bond until other issues resolve, it may be beyond repair when you turn your attention to it. Daily concerns, the ones youd also face if you were single, still divorced, or in your original marriage, also compete for your time: the demands of children, careers, aging parents, and household responsibilities. Regardless of stress, distraction, or lack of time, caring for stepcoupling must come first. Nurturing your relationship is the most effective way to ensure the health and longevity of your marriage and stepfamily. Yet, by definition, stepcoupling never occurs in isolation. Successful stepcouples strike a balance among caring for their individual needs, their relationship, and the requirements of the whole family. Finding this equilibrium is particularly challenging in the early years. Just for now, though, shut the door on everyone else and concentrate on the two of you. Ive been divorced for nine months and just started dating. I know Ill eventually want to remarry when I find the right woman, but Im not ever going through another divorce. The next ones for keeps. How do I get ready for a new relationship? Successful stepcoupling begins with a successful divorce, which takes time. Preparing for a new relationship by regrouping and reconnecting with yourself is wise. Two key emotional tasks occur during and after divorce: grieving the loss of a marriage, and renegotiating a new relationship with your ex-spouse. Until you complete these tasks, you remain emotionally tied to a past mate. Divorced adults begin clearing a path to repartnering by taking inventory of a past marriages negative and positive aspects. Certainly its easy to describe what went wrong in a marriage just after a divorce. Strong feelings--of anger, hurt, rejection, failure--loom large. These same feelings make it difficult to go through the equally important process of grieving the loss of a marriages good qualities. By reflecting on the elements of your relationship that worked for you, as well as those that didnt, you free yourself to say good-bye and move on. Former spouses then renegotiate their relationship, moving from the bond of a married couple to the courtesy, respect, and cooperation of coparents. Boundaries change as a once-tight connection becomes businesslike. Ideally, a shared commitment--to whatever is in the best interest of the children--continues. Once the emotional tasks of ending a marriage are well under way, work still remains before youre ready for a new relationship. Sound advice comes in a hackneyed phrase: get to know and appreciate yourself. Explore your likes and dislikes, needs, goals, strengths and weaknesses, the patterns of your relationships, and your part in creating them. Shelly, thirty-two, undertook this process deliberately. She sought therapy because her husband asked for a divorce. During their five years of marriage hed had a handful of affairs, finally asking for his freedom. Despite resenting Nicks infidelity, she still loved him and grieved deeply over the end of their marriage. Nick and Shelly completed the legal work for their divorce within a few months; her emotional healing took longer. Moving through denial and waves of grief and anger, Shelly rode the emotional roller coaster that follows divorce. Eventually she began to develop interests she couldnt share with Nick. She spent more time alone; he had thrived on an active social life. She sold the home theyd built and bought a vintage bungalow. Months later, she used her property settlement to start a small business; later still, she realized that she was happier without Nick than shed been during the last years of their marriage. As time passed, Shelly started dating. By the time she met the man she eventually married, she had honed her self-awareness and self-esteem. She knew she both wanted and deserved fidelity in a marriage. Like Shellys, your preferences, style, and usual responses are unique. Some elements of your personality are "hardwired"--part of your nature. Others are learned responses to your early environment (nurture). Start the ongoing process of becoming better acquainted with yourself by considering the following questions. You could also ask a trusted and tactful friend to share his or her impressions of you. * What makes you happy? What makes you sad? What makes you angry? * What energizes you? What takes energy from you? * How comfortable with change are you? * How patient are you? Are you easily frustrated? * What type of people are you drawn to? What type of people repel you? * What kind of people do you attract? * What type of people are you most at ease with? * How wide are your mood swings? * Do you feel strongly that things should be done in certain ways? Are you open to other peoples ways of doing things? Details ISBN0609807412 Author Jennifer Green Short Title STEPCOUPLING Pages 272 Language English ISBN-10 0609807412 ISBN-13 9780609807415 Media Book Format Paperback DEWEY 306.874 Year 2002 Edition 1st Subtitle Creating and Sustaining a Strong Marriage in Todays Blended Family DOI 10.1604/9780609807415 Place of Publication New York Country of Publication United States AU Release Date 2002-02-26 NZ Release Date 2002-02-26 US Release Date 2002-02-26 UK Release Date 2002-02-26 Publisher Random House USA Inc Publication Date 2002-02-26 Imprint Random House Inc Audience General We've got this At The Nile, if you're looking for it, we've got it. 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